Stripped socks with flowery flats.
Realizing when I got in to work this morning that my toothpaste had failed me miserably and left my breath in its basest state of rancor, I retrieved a brand new tin of Altoids from my desk drawer. The lid was held tightly shut by a band of thick cellophane that happened to have a vertical red stripe, presumably indicating where to pull in order to most easily remove the protective plastic. I pulled and pried with everything I had in me, but it was like trying to peel a hockey puck. The plastic band simply would not give.
The red stripe glared at me. “You’re a fucking wimp,” it finally snorted in disgust. Of course, life’s to short to take shit from the cellophane on a tin of Altoids, so I got out the trusty Benchmade. But even as I cavalierly sliced that red strip right down the middle, the little bastard's derision endured. “Wassamatter, princess? Aw, need Mr. Pigstabber to do it for you? Maybe your mommy could help. About time for her to change your diaper anyway, isn’t it, Shirley?”
So now I know. If you want to enjoy curiously strong breath mints, it helps if you yourself are also curiously strong. I suppose that goes without saying, but I never expected packaging so clever as to test the consumer’s strength prior to relinquishing the product.
After the reunion lunch, I fired off an email to United Airlines, as that is where Brett Egarr is likely to be, according to one web page. It was an innocent message on their feedback form.
Ladies and Gentlemen:
I would like to get a message to Capt Brett Egarr. Capt Egarr, I believe, is with your airline flying A320s. He and I were at school in New Zealand till 1985. We had a reunion lunch today and his name came up. I’d like to reconnect with him and see if he has any plans to venture to his homeland in the near future. Please pass on my contact details to him if he wishes to be in touch.
Sincerely,
Jack Yan, LL B, BCA (Hons.), MCA
PS.: Your form insists on a 'State' even if one feeds in 'Outsie [sic] US and Outside Canada'.
Pretty simple, right? I stated my purpose. I asked for my information to be passed on. I did not want any private contact information for Brett.
United Airlines responded:
Dear Mr. Yan,
Thank you for taking the time to contact United Airlines Customer Relations regarding a message for Capt. Brett Egarr.
Mr. Yan, I am sorry to disappointment you but Federal privacy guidelines prohibit us to contact a United employee on behalf of a passenger or any other person. Each of our employees and customers has the right to decide who may know about them.
Also, we are aware regarding the "State" field while submitting a concern to Customer Relations and our technical team is working for a resolution. I hope this will be corrected soon.
Your understanding is appreciated. Thank you for your email.
Regards,
Bhupendra Singh Bisht
United Airlines Customer Relations
Nothing wrong with Mr Bisht’s courtesy but surely this is ridiculous? Federal privacy what?
If United doesn’t understand the law, then it shouldn’t be quoting it. I responded (making a mistake on the first line, dammit):
Dear Mr Singh [sic]:
I appreciate your prompt response though I must comment that I find the guidelines' interpretation questionable.
I realize you are doing your job and I do not criticize you for that or for your courtesy, for which I thank you.
If I may give you an analogy: if I were to write a letter to any company in the world, even in the United States, addressing it to an employee's attention, it is generally accepted in everyday, international commercial practice that it will get there.
You say that each United employee has the right to decide who may know about them. I fully agree. But you are denying Capt Egarr the opportunity to make that choice.
I can understand blocking an abusive passenger or one expressly requesting private information.
I do not wish to know Capt Egarr's contact information or any particulars covered by any US privacy legislation.
I had expected that the internet was to make our lives easier. I had also expected common sense, if you consider that written correspondence would likely find its way to Capt Egarr.
If you cannot help me with the above then I request that you provide me with your company's head office address so I may pursue this matter offline.
Yours faithfully,
Jack Yan, LL B, BCA (Hons.), MCA
There was a link at the end of the email for a customer survey—you bet your bottom dollar I filled that out. I accused the airline of holding a feather and pretending it was an arrow. I gave Mr Bisht good marks for courtesy and timeliness though.
Show us the last thing you bought.
That'll be $125. Have a nice day.
Has the unfriendly economy caused you to change your spending habits?
Uh. Surprisingly, no. I still buy gas, food, and clothes! It's just made the money go faster. You know... Like fine sand (money) in a sieve (my wallet).
Apologies in advance, but we have to ask... How do you REALLY feel about the New Kids on the Block reunion?
As triumph, the comic insult dog might say: "It seem good enough ... FOR ME TO POOP ON!"
Can't we leave the shame in the past?
After the wedding we went to the hotel and changed,then went over to my cousin Jimmy's house.There was food(mmm shrimp!) there and we all just hung out and talked.Hank and Brandy stopped by for a while,which was a nice surprise :) Jimmy and his wife Blair have two kids, Frances and Laura,and a Corgi named Abby.
We left for the airport early last Thursday,and got to the airport in plenty of time.I treated my parents to a cup of coffee at Starbucks.
I am totally going to take a nap at lunch.
1 hour and 19 minutes to go.
